Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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