Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
