If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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