I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
