How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
