Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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