i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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