Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
vagina is talking i cant
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
