Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
