drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
