im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize