Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
