Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
