o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
