Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
