I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
