2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
