what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
