yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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