i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
People in love make me want to vomit
They should really pass out barf bags in church
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
