I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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