You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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