Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
