I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
