Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
