I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
