Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
