Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
