mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
