the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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