i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
