No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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