i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
