someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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