Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
