I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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