I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
