If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
