Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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