So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Randomize
