right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
