Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we're making bets on your personal life
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
