You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
ok first of all what the fuck
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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