I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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