I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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