she woke up with a sticky ear
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
