I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
