Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
its not stalking. its research.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
