I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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