3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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